Who's On First - 2020 style

This is copy/paste of an actual online chat I had with EarthLink today (May 4, 2020). It reads like a comedy routine:

 at 12:37, May 4:

Thank you for choosing to EarthLink. An agent will be with you shortly.

 at 12:37, May 4:

You can manage your account using our MyEarthLink app now available for Android (Google Play) and iOS (Apple App Store).

You are now chatting with Frank A.

Frank A at 12:37, May 4:

Thank you for contacting EarthLink Sales Chat. This is Frank, who do I have the pleasure of speaking with?

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:37, May 4:

Virginia Branson

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:37, May 4:

That info is on this screen I sent you

Frank A at 12:38, May 4:

Hi Virginia, Thank you for contacting EarthLink Sales Chat. This is Frank, who do I have the pleasure of speaking with?

gingerbranson@gmail.comat 12:38, May 4:

I haven't moved from this spot. I'm still Virginia

Frank A at 12:38, May 4:

Sorry for the above text

gingerbranson@gmail.comat 12:38, May 4:

I have tried every way I can think of to cancel my installation scheduled for May 15. Since last week, I have been on hold (according to the minutes on my phone) for a total of over 4 hours. If this is your idea of "service", I don't need it!

gingerbranson@gmail.comat 12:39, May 4:

The cable line from the street is down, due to a storm in early April. AT&T came out and said it is a Spectrum cable and they can't touch it.

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:40, May 4:

So until I get Spectrum out to put the cable back up, I can't have internet (except for this Verizon hot spot). If Spectrum comes out tomorrow to repair the line, they can just install their modem while they're here.

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:41, May 4:

Hopefully, their service is better than yours!

Frank A at 12:42, May 4:

I apologize for the inconvenience caused to you

Frank A at 12:42, May 4:

Can you help me out with your EarthLink email address or account number?

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:42, May 4:

gingerbranson@gmail.com and my closest sibling lives in Argo

Frank A at 12:43, May 4:

Alright

Frank A at 12:43, May 4:

Can you help me out with your cell phone number which is linked to your EarthLink account?

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:44, May 4:

205-305-8888

Frank A at 12:45, May 4:

Thank you so much

Frank A at 12:45, May 4:

To best assist you with this regard i will go ahead and transfer this chat to our dedicated department, please stay connected while i transfer this chat.

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:45, May 4:

ok

Info at 12:45, May 4:

Please wait while your chat is transferred to the appropriate group.

                                                    Info at 12:45, May 4:

You can manage your account using our MyEarthLink app now available for Android (Google Play) and iOS (Apple App Store).

You are now chatting with John M.

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:45, May 4:

Hi John

John M at 12:46, May 4:

Hi

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:46, May 4:

Can you read my texts? Or do I need to start over?

John M at 12:46, May 4:

Let me check it

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:49, May 4:

My original installation was April 28. Nobody showed up. I called on April 29 and was told my installation would be May 4. Then I got an email that my installation would be May 15. And nobody addressed the original issue that the internet line is down in my yard due to a storm on April 12. I FINALLY got AT&T to come out last week to at least put the cable line back up. They said it is a Charter/Spectrum cable, and they can't touch it. Spectrum is coming tomorrow to put the cable back up, and I am going to ask them for their modem while they're here.

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:50, May 4:

That's making a VERY long story VERY VERY short.

John M at 12:50, May 4:

Okay

John M at 12:52, May 4:

Modem will provided by the installation tech.

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:52, May 4:

I hope so. I've asked them

John M at 12:52, May 4:

It is a different modem designed for your connection

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:52, May 4:

What are you talking about?

You don't work for Spectrum

John M at 12:53, May 4:

It is about modem

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:53, May 4:

Let me repeat and be VERY CLEAR: I am cancelling my Earthlink account.

I want nothing to do with AT&T.

Or Earthlink who puts me on hold for hours on end

John M at 12:55, May 4:

What city does your nearest sibling live in?

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:55, May 4:

Argo. He hasn't moved in the last 10 minutes

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 13:04, May 4:

It's not YOUR fault. I know and I'm sorry for the rant, but now I just want to cancel my installation

John M at 13:04, May 4:

That's Unfortunate to hear that you want to terminate your account with us. It is not possible to inactivate the account via Chat. However, I will provide complete information on how to inactivate the account in detail.Please contact our EarthLink's Customer Service Phone Support team, they are the only authorized team to make changes on your account.  EarthLink's Customer Service Phone Support team can be reached on Mon-Sun between 9 a.m - 6 p.m. Eastern Time, at 1-888-EarthLink (888-327-8454).Once you contact our phone support team, they will respect your decision and make changes to your account as per your wish to do the needful.

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 13:04, May 4:

I would love to do that too, and have tried twice on Friday and twice already today.

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 13:05, May 4:

That line is just an "on hold" line you for the information. I am able to verify your account.

John M at 12:56, May 4:

Hyperlink Internet service is provided by Earthlink with the help of  AT & T

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:56, May 4:

Thank goodness Verizon gives me unlimited data on my hot spot.

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:57, May 4:

I know

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:57, May 4:

Except neither of them provides ANYTHING apparently

John M at 12:57, May 4:

I suggest you to check the performance and then decide

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:58, May 4:

I would LOVE to, but I've been trying to do just that since April 15

And I still haven't had the opportunity to check the performance.

John M at 12:59, May 4:

Okay

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 12:59, May 4:

Other than the one AT&T technician who told me he can't help me.

John M at 13:01, May 4:

okay

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 13:01, May 4:

I had Uverse before the line went down. They also are AT&T. Their customer service sent out a new modem to solve the line down issue. Then when that one didn't work either, because the line was down, they wanted to send me yet ANOTHER modem! Good GRIEF

John M at 13:01, May 4:

I can understand how you must be feeling right now

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 13:02, May 4:

I originally called EarthLink because I didn't know it was AT&T. :(

"A rose by any other name..."

gingerbranson@gmail.com at 13:04, May 4:

It's not YOUR fault. I know and I'm sorry for the rant, but now I just want to cancel my installation

John M at 13:04, May 4:

That's Unfortunate to hear that you want to terminate your account with us. It is not possible to inactivate the account via Chat. However, I will provide complete information on how to inactivate the account in detail.Please contact our EarthLink's Customer Service Phone Support team, they are the only authorized team to make changes on your account.  EarthLink's Customer Service Phone Support team can be reached on Mon-Sun between 9 a.m - 6 p.m. Eastern Time, at 1-888-EarthLink (888-327-8454).Once you contact our phone support team, they will respect your decision and make changes to your account as per your wish to do the needful.

Pandemic Puzzle

I need someone smarter than I am to explain something:

The negative oil prices. From what I’ve read, there is a lack of storage space, so none of the storage people are paying the oil producers to store their oil.  As one reporter put it, storage space has become more valuable than the oil itself. So producers (who produce it at a cost of $2-$5 per barrel) are essentially having to pay for storage space, instead of storage companies paying them. It is a supply/demand situation.

OK. I understand that much.

What I don’t understand is this: If demand is down, why isn’t supply down too? Why aren’t the oil producers halting production? Or at least slowing production? Is it because it would put the oil well workers out of work, like the rest of the country? Can’t they just stop, or slow, pumping for a while, until demand goes back up? Like any other industry in the world where demand is down is doing?

(Simple analogy: Six weeks ago, there was a need for protective masks. There was a shortage among the population, and therefore a “market” for the sale of masks. I went back to my sewing machine and “produced” 100 masks, some of which I sold. NOW the demand is down, because everyone who wants one has one. I still have about 15 masks left, which I am “storing” on the kitchen table. But I am not “producing” more at this time. The fabric is still back there, as are thread and elastic (raw materials). They are dormant at this time, but if and when demand goes back up, I can re-employ the sewing machine to produce again. Granted, the sewing machine isn’t “working” right now, but neither is the lawn mower, the stove, the car, or me. )

Please someone explain this oil thing in simple terms.  

Emergency Measures

I got an email from Spire today. Spire used to be Alabama Gas Company. For me, they provide the gas for my hot water heater and my stove. (They also heat my house in the winter).

Anyway, this email said they will “suspend” all late fees, disconnect notices and disconnections until “at least” May 1. Mostly this is because they are trying to keep their employees safe from COVID-19, by keeping them home. Great!

Most utility companies in my area are doing something similar. Awesome!

THIS IS A WARNING to people who think the utility companies are being altruistic.

THIS EMAIL IS MISLEADING!!!

People, do NOT think you’re safe from paying your utility bills. If you are out of work, and do not have the money to pay your gas bill THIS month, it probably means you won’t have the money to pay your gas bill next month either, unless a miracle or a tragedy happens. Don’t count on either.

So the bottom line is, although your utilities won’t be disconnected this month, if you don’t pay the bill, you will owe double NEXT month, and next month they WILL disconnect and charge you late fees and a deposit and reconnect fee, so it really will take a miracle to get your lights back on. Multiply that by water, gas, rent, car payment, insurance, etc. and you’re in a hole it might take years to crawl out of.

I don’t know the answer. I’ve lived all my life with barely any “reserve” for emergencies, just like many young people (and frankly, many older people) today.

When I drive through the Summit and see empty parking lots, I think of the thousands of store clerks/associates, theater employees, musicians, waiters, dishwashers, managers, cooks who might be one or two checks away from homelessness. I raised a family just like that. Many of them are doing the same thing.

So I’m asking this:

I know the CEO of Alabama Power isn’t reading this, so I can’t speak to the utility companies, but if you are someone who is in control of someone’s rent, house payment, car payment, etc. you probably DO have a “reserve”. Please consider letting people who are out of work, through no fault of their own, slide one month. I’m talking about let them SKIP their upcoming April payment altogether. I repeat: NOT just let them pay double in May, but GIVE THEM A REAL BREAK.

I can’t promise God will bless you for that, but I CAN promise that ultimately, you just might be saving a life, and that alone is a blessing.

VSOs GET OVER YOURSELVES

You Veterans Service Organizations (VSOs) need to GET OVER YOURSELVES! I’m sick of ALL of y’all’s whining and gossiping and acting like YOUR organization is the ONLY one that helps veterans or that matters… IMMEDIATELY after you tell me what all you CAN’T do, because THIS veteran isn’t a member of YOUR VSO, or THAT veteran never deployed overseas, or that veteran over there already has a wheelchair, so YOU can’t help him with his truck payment until he gets all these casts off his arms and legs so he can get back on a ladder he fell off in the first place to break his bones and be able to work again. Or that veteran was in the wrong service (she isn’t Army, or is’n't a Marine etc.) so you can’t help her out with food or rent or school supplies so her kids can start school.  

And my absolute favorite ridiculous thing: "The _(insert  any  VSO)_ is already helping him by paying his water bill.  GGGRRRRR!!!

Conversely, I’m SICK TO DEATH of everybody duplicating everyone else’s effort and acting like you are the ONLY VALID organization doing anything. Everybody ELSE’s program is invalid or, as I was told by someone today, “is causing trouble”, but can't tell me what KIND of trouble. EVERYONE is on the 22 a Day train, and everyone thinks THEY and THEY ALONE have the solution to THAT problem… like every veteran who ever served somehow is in the exact same dark place for the same reason.  Didn’t it ever occur to you that veterans, like ALL HUMAN BEINGS IN THE WORLD do NOT come from the exact same cookie cutter???

Take Christianity for example (something everyone understands to some degree), some Christians are Baptists and some are Methodists and some are Presbyterian. So some veterans are Navy, some are Army, etc. and they all have different military experiences and different other experiences that can send them to that dark desperate despondency. Some are “combat vets”, but most veterans served in duties OTHER than infantry. There is supply, food service, communications, instructors, drill sergeants, base operations, airplane and helicopter mechanics, and on and on and on! So it isn’t just carrying a rifle or driving a tank that causes veterans to later kill themselves. Nor is it divorce or unemployment or foreclosures. It is MUCH more complicated than that. And everyone is DIFFERENT.

While I’m ranting, let me tell you about some statistics that aren’t advertised very much. First, it is TRUE that the vast majority (like 17 out of 22) of veterans who commit suicide every day are NOT enrolled in the V.A. System. You can continue to cast aspersions on the V.A., but they ARE saving lives. Here’s another fact: The majority of veteran suicide prevention programs focus on OEF/OIF veterans. Well, the fact that goes with THAT is that 69% of veterans who kill themselves are over age 50. OLD MEN. Senior citizens! The ink isn't still wet on their DD-214s. GGGRRRR AGAIN! 

"CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG????" Apparently not.

Now, that said, I must be fair. I MUST mention a couple of VSOs that do NOT get involved in these controversies at all, at least not locally. (In my experience, most of the others DO have conditions and gossips and jealousies and RULES enough to make me PUKE.)

Locally, AMVETS will help ANY veteran file for benefits, for FREE, and will even go to Montgomery with him and represent him if there is a hitch at the State level. That's their main job, and they do it very well.

The DAV (locally) does that too. Help ANY veteran file for benefits, for FREE, and they are also experts at it. But they will also give ANY VETERAN who shows up and requests it, a box of food. Good food. They don’t ask how much your income is, what branch you were in, or were you deployed overseas. Just ONE question: How many people are in your household?

Alabama Veteran isn’t a VSO, but EVERY veteran is welcome to come to their events for camaraderie, and they don’t care how old you are, or what your gender or race is. They don't care what your income is. They have a large, statewide database. If you are a veteran who needs a job, they will reach out to their database and try to find you something to do. If you just are homebound, ask them and they will usually find someone to just come visit you and talk. If you aren’t homebound, they will invite you to their gatherings. Just come and be with other veterans. No membership fee. No conditions.

If the flag on your front porch is ragged and too high for you to reach to change it, ask them. They will usually find someone who will come out to change it for you.  If you are a 90 year old veteran and can no longer walk behind your lawn mower, they will probably find someone who will come out to cut your grass. They are not bound by rules about who is or isn’t a member, who served where or for how long, or what branch. 

Their Facebook page always has veterans events, job fairs, etc. listed. And it is current. Alabama Veteran is REALLY and TRULY “Veterans Helping Veterans”!

Rant over, until something else sets me off.

The Placebo Effect

One of my favorite MASH episodes involves the 4077^th requesting morphine, but getting  a shipment of placebos instead. Lacking alternatives, they prescribe the little white pills for everything from pain relief, to making Klinger non-susceptible to the oppressive Korean heat.  Amazingly, with a little suggestion, the sugar pills worked about 80% of the time.

While MASH isn’t a REAL hospital, the placebo effect works – both in 1977 and in 2019. Today I saw a commercial for a pharmacy that will give people Vitamin B12 injections. They have a “standing order” from a physician that allows them to inject anyone who requests it, and they suggest a dose once a month.  Interesting that I saw the MASH episode rerun and this commercial in the same week.

Most people get more than enough B12 from the food they eat.  Vegans sometimes don’t, because B12 comes exclusively from animal foods. So those people might need supplemental B12.  I won’t go into all the details, but aside from vegans, few people have a B12 deficiency. (The actual statistic is about 90% of people with Vitamin B12 deficiency are vegans/vegetarians.)

Simply stated, the problem with B12 usually occurs not specifically with a deficiency, but with the body’s inability to utilize B12. Some people do not produce “intrinsic factor”, which binds with B12 and carries it to the body’s cells. This condition is “Pernicious Anemia”, and taking oral B12 still won’t produce intrinsic factor to utilize the B12. These people need B12 injections to bypass the stomach and hence absorb the vitamin directly into the blood. 

Sometimes people with bypass surgery or Crohn’s Disease, or other issues with the digestive system need B12 injections.  Also, it has been shown that the ability to absorb B12 decreases with age, so the elderly might benefit from B12 injections.  I say MIGHT because B12 is stored in the liver for a long, long time, so an actual deficiency can take years to develop.

“Recently, vitamin B12 injections have become popular among healthy people who don’t appear to have a deficiency. Advocates of this approach claim that regular injections can boost energy levels and help with weight loss and mood. However, there is little to no evidence to support these claims.” Helen West, RD.

The Vitamin B12 injection thing is the placebo effect at its finest, but it isn’t actually a “recent” phenomenon. It has been going on for years and years. Even back in 1966, when I started nursing school, we knew about it. Our instructors laughed, while our mothers were traipsing to the doctor every month to get their B12 energy shots. My very FIRST job, in a doctor’s office, involved giving B12 injections to mostly young women, who believed it would work a miracle for their energy.  So it did. It didn’t matter whether the injection was actually B12 or saline (like happened one week when we ran out of B12). The doctor said it didn’t matter, as long as the patients THOUGHT it was B12.  He was right.

But there is GOOD news.  Vitamin B12 injections are very safe. There are almost no side effects from B12, and only rare local allergic reactions at the injection site, so you won’t see a list of all the possible side effects. There is no chance of breathing difficulty, brain damage, heart failure, seizures, nausea, diarrhea, swelling in your hands or feet, blurred vision, impotence or death from your B12 injection.  But the BEST news is for the provider. The cost to the pharmacy or doctor of a single dose is about $1.75, so it is one of the most cost effective medications he or she can stock.  Oops! The BAD news is that you will be charged from $20 to over $50 for your single dose injection.

So here is a bargain for you: I will stick you with a needle and give you a drink of water for only $10. Also no side effects. The proceeds from this endeavor will help fund paying off my house this year.

Women's Issue

I thought I might enter a contest wherein I write an essay about a “women’s issue”. Being a woman myself, I thought this might be a fairly easy essay to write… until I really thought about it. Frankly, I couldn’t think of a single “issue” I have that most men I know don’t have also.

Well, there used to be issues I guess. Men don’t have to deal with the inconvenience of monthly-well-you-know. But I’m way past menopausal, so that “issue” doesn’t exist for me anymore. Of course, men don’t have to deal with pregnancy and childbirth either, although nowadays many of them think they do, because they go to prenatal classes and learn to put a diaper on a baby, and learn to “coach” the mother through childbirth. I won’t EVEN go there…

Many companies give new fathers Family Medical Leave so they can spend quality time with their newborn and bond with him, so even THAT isn’t a women’s issue. By the way, nobody gets Family Medical Leave when the kid is 3 or 4 or 5 years old and needs someone to read to him, teach her the alphabet, colors and numbers. That is generally left to Day Care Workers (predominantly female). The mother MIGHT be able to take a sick day if her child is sick, but the daddy usually doesn’t have that same option. Oops. Maybe I should write about men’s issues. Is there a contest for that?

So aside from obvious physical differences and the “issues” they spawn, what are the other issues that are particular to WOMEN? I admit I couldn’t think of any, so I asked a friend, who happens to be an almost militant supporter of women’s rights, and who has actually marched for women’s rights, “What were the rights you were marching for?”

“You know. WOMEN’S rights.”

Oh. “Can you give me an example?”

Looking at me like I was a dimwit, she said, “You know. Like equal PAY.”

Oh. “OK. You’re a nurse. I’m a nurse. I don’t know when any male nurse was paid more than I was for the same job, and for the same time in the job. Do you?”

She didn’t believe that. “Male nurses are ALWAYS paid more.”

That ended that conversation, because pretty much universally in the USA, male nurses are paid on the same pay scale as female nurses in whatever hospital or clinic they work. There is not a separate male and female nurse pay scale. I’m guessing the same goes for teachers, data entry and IT personnel, police officers, food service workers (wait staff), pizza delivery workers, bartenders, cashiers, and just about every other job I can think of.

I know there was a time when some jobs paid men more than women. When I worked for the telephone company as an operator (always females back then), we were paid less than the men who went out and climbed the poles, and back then, women didn’t work the pole-climbing jobs. But that was 1965. Times have changed.

So anyway, I looked it up. I need a CURRENT issue.

According to the Huffington Post, “Men dominate many of the most esteemed professional fields – and get paid more for their work.” So I stand corrected, I guess. I was thinking of women in general, not the small percentage of women who could afford medical school or law school. But the Huffington Post goes on to say, “ It is a fact that women … (doctors, lawyers, architects, etc.) are neither met with the same confidence as their male colleagues, nor receive equal remuneration.” Well THAT’S an issue I guess. For the upper 2 percent of the economic strata. “In 2004, only 16.8 percent of large law-firm partners were women.” Considering that by 2004, almost half of law students were female, that’s an issue I can write about!

Or thought I could, until I read the second Huffington fact: “Work stress disproportionately impacts women. … to succeed in the workplace, women generally do so at the expense of their physical and psychical well-being…”

So in essence, women are smart enough to graduate from law school, but are not always physically or psychologically equipped to handle the stress of being a large firm partner? Could THAT be the reason more of them aren’t large firm partners, rather than the fact that they have ovaries instead of testicles? Oh… I sure can’t write about that. I would be LYNCHED by the NOW, even though I used to personally have two ovaries of my own.

Even in the still male-dominated military, pay is based on rank and time in grade. A female Staff Sergeant with 12 years service and 2 years of it as a Staff Sergeant is paid the same as a male with the same years. Ditto for officers. And this is regardless of branch of service, or incidentally, their ability or inability to handle the stress of the job.

Just so you know, the other 2 women’s issues the Huffington Post claim haven’t changed “since 1911” are:  “The ‘freedom’ the workplace supposedly offers women sometimes doesn’t feel so free at all” whatever that means, and “Women are doubling up on work at home and outside the home”. That means they work a job, and then have housework when they get home. 

Well… uhm… what can I say? There are approximately 13.7 million single parents in the US, and 82% of them are female. I’m guessing the 18% that are male have the same housework to do when they get home from work too, so even THAT isn’t a women’s issue as much as It’s a single parent issue.

So I’m trying very hard to come up with a REAL women’s issue, not just a parroting of some slogan or poster.  Can anyone help me? Can anyone tell me a real, legitimate CURRENT woman’s “issue”?

Home for the Holidays

The Christmas shopping season is over, and I’ve had time to think about this. Well, I think about it every year, because it happens EVERY year. That is the controversy over whether stores should be open on Thanksgiving Day. You’ve probably voiced some opinion of your own. Usually the discussion starts with something like, “The sales clerks should be able to enjoy Thanksgiving with their families.”  Fair enough. And often I hear, “I’m not going shopping after lunch on Thanksgiving because I’m protesting the sales clerks working on Thanksgiving.”

Just to give you perspective, let me assure you that most of those sales clerks were home with their families  part of Thanksgiving – either before or after their shift at the store, and incidentally, they DID make some Christmas money. But virtually ALL of them were home on Christmas Day. What they weren’t able to do was travel to other cities to be with distant family on Thanksgiving. 

For those who did NOT work on a holiday, and who DID visit distant family, the gas station clerks were at work day and night, so people could travel – buy fuel for the car, and fuel or coffee for the body. So far I haven’t heard anyone who said they weren’t traveling on Thanksgiving because they were protesting  the convenience store clerks working on Thanksgiving.

Or Christmas. Did you hear anyone say, “I’m going to wait until December 26 to buy batteries for that toy because I think the 7-11 clerks should be home with their families on Christmas.”?

Sometimes we get bogged down with little protests (and I know this is probably not politically correct), but  please think about all the people who are REQUIRED to work on holidays … and weekends … and all night.  

At my church (Avondale UMC) we DO think about these people, because at the Christmas Eve service, we are asked to take a “Cup of Cheer”, provided by the church, to someone who has to work that night. Some of us take our cup to the hospital and give it to a nurse in the Emergency Room, to thank her for being there, providing care for people who have a medical emergency. Nobody said that hospitals should close on Christmas because the nurses should be home with their kids on Christmas Eve.  But there were hundreds of staff in that hospital working Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, while their children and families were home singing Christmas songs, opening gifts, and eating turkey dinner.

Some of us took our Cup to the Police Department, to thank the guys in blue for working all night, keeping our streets and neighborhoods safe.  Again, nobody said, “The Police Department should be closed on Christmas, so those guys can be home with their families.”

The first year we did the “Cup of Cheer”, I took my cup to the Fire Department. (Ditto the “home on Thanksgiving/Christmas” statement.) I had only one cup, and there were 6 firemen on duty. I felt so bad, that the next year and the year after that, my family and I prepared 12 Cups of Cheer, and took them to both the Fire Department and the Police Department, co-located in Cahaba Heights, so all of them had a cup. We thanked them all for working for us, so we could spend Christmas with our family. (“Thank you for your SERVICE!”)

This year, though, I had a new thought. All those people working a shift went home at the end of their shifts. Most of them didn’t give work another thought until time to go to work for another shift.

But who works all week, and then is  “on call” 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, (that means holidays, weekends, day, night), and is ready to leave their family at a moment’s notice, if needed? Who do we KNOW will always be there for us, regardless of the time or day? Your PASTOR.  Her “shift” never ends. He NEVER doesn’t think about his work, and all the people who depend on him, day, night, holidays. She is always on call. (Gender neutral. I don’t know how to do that in words).

To my pastor and all the pastors out there who begin 2019 exhausted, but still on duty:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE FOR US AND YOUR SERVICE TO US!

And all God’s children said … “AMEN!”

Addicted to Massages

Hello. My name is Ginger. I am an addict. I am addicted to massages.

It started when I was teaching at Virginia College, and I could get an hour-long massage for $20. Hardly a Saturday passed that didn’t find me at the college’s massage therapy suite.

When that job went away, so did the $20 massages, but I found Massage Envy. For the next 3 years, I belonged to their “club”. I signed up for monthly massages at a huge discount. There are a couple of “catches”. One is that they are paid by automatic withdrawal from your debit card or your credit card, and the second is that you have to agree to do this for a pre-determined time. I think it is a year.

Anyway, I enjoyed a monthly massage for the next 3 years. But by then I had retired from work, and no longer had time to go over there every month. So, a year later (by then about 4 years of membership), I told them I was stopping my membership. They said I was already paid for that month (I think it was October of 2015 at that point), and that I had already paid for 8 massages I hadn’t collected yet, but would forfeit if I didn’t collect them by the end of the month, when my membership ended. So, since they are open day and night until 9:00, and 7 days a week, I managed to get over there on Sunday nights, Wednesday afternoons, and other odd times to get my 8 massages in during the next 3 weeks.

Oh, how I missed them! But for the next 3 Christmases, my son gave me Massage Envy gift cards, because he knew how much I missed it. About one or two a year was all I really had time for anyway, so this was the perfect gift for me.

Well imagine my surprise last weekend, when I stopped for gas and the pump declined my debit card! I tried twice, knowing there was some mistake, because even with one check that hadn’t cleared yet, I had way more in the bank than gas was going to cost. So I checked my bank app. To my (extreme) surprise, I was $300 overdrawn. IMPOSSIBLE. So I looked at the account to see what the hell happened. There was a debit from MASSAGE ENVY for almost $900.

Standing agape at my cell phone at the pump, with an almost empty gas tank, I called Massage Envy to see wtf. After talking to several people, and after finally getting someone who knew what was going on, I was told that I never “officially” ended my club membership, so I owed for the last 3 years, and they had debited my account for the $896. I was BEYOND angry, because I was helpless to correct this until Monday. (Thank goodness I have an old-fashioned savings account, and can auto-transfer into checking.)

But I wanted to know more about how this happened in the first place. The debit card I had when I registered for Massage Envy’s club had long since expired, so how in the world did they get access to my bank account??? And WHY, if I was still a "member", they hadn't continued to debit my account 3 years ago??? Then, I could have known they hadn't "officially" cancelled my account, and could have nipped this in the bud.

THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART: Massage Envy Corporate has developed a “bot” that searches old accounts that haven’t been “officially” cancelled in writing, or for which they have no piece of paper with a signature ending the account. Once identified, the bot searches these accounts for bank account information, and debit them for however many years in arrears they are. The lady I talked to at Massage Envy said the manager had spent the whole last week explaining this to the numerous people who called and complained all day.

I am told I can get the total amount back, but first I have to go in and sign an agreement to cancel my account that was cancelled 3 years ago. They can reverse the charge in 3 to 5 business days.

So, MASSAGE ENVY, here is my message to you: I will NEVER AGAIN darken your doorstep. If my son wants to give me a massage gift card for Christmas, I will give him a list of the MYRIAD other spas and individuals around me that offer therapeutic massage just as satisfying and comforting as Massage Envy. I wouldn’t be surprised if there didn’t pop up a “class action suit” against them for this. Although I’ve never sued anyone in my life, given the opportunity, I will enthusiastically hop onto THAT train!

AAAAALLLLL ABOARD!!

Buying a New Bible

“Although it is impossible to obtain exact figures, there is little doubt that the Bible is the world's best-selling and most widely distributed book. A survey by the Bible Society concluded that around 2.5 billion copies were printed between 1815 and 1975, but more recent estimates put the number at more than 5 billion.”  - Guinness World Records.

I haven’t bought a new Bible in several years. In fact, I still have the Bible I was given when I joined the church at age 12. In addition to that one, I also have several little green Gideon editions of the New Testament/Psalms/Proverbs I got when I was in the army, and a little white Gideon edition I was given when I graduated from Nursing School. These miniature KJVs travel with me. One stays in my overnight bag, one in my glove compartment, and one in my suitcase. I admit that after almost 50 years, they are not worn out. I guess I don’t read the Bible much when I’m traveling, but they’re available if I want to.

The 10-year-old Bible I use day-to-day IS worn out. In fact, I wear out a Bible about every 15 years. My current Bible is all dog-eared, and many verses are highlighted in pink or yellow. Lots of pages have notes written across the margins, underlined passages with asterisks by them, and the inside front cover is filled with notes about what various pastors or speakers have said, or quotes I like, or ideas that came to me.  I have stuffed bookmarks, 4-leaf clovers, cards and notes in it. I usually have a pen clipped in it, so I can make more notes if needed. My Bible (study) is a “work in progress”.

This Bible actually would have lasted another 10 years, if Luke through Revelation hadn’t fallen out of it.  The whole chunk of most of the New Testament – just slid right out. A Bible without the New Testament isn’t really a Bible to me. I did think about sticking the chunk back in the Bible, and getting a wide rubber band to hold it all together, but what a hassle that would be, every time I want to read it, or to stuff another bookmark in it! Not to mention that every time I open it, the New Testament drops out again.

I can’t order a Bible online. I have to hold it to see if it’s the right size and weight. I have to look in it to see if the print is too small, if the pages are too thin to make notes in the margins without bleeding through, and I always read certain passages to see if the particular translation is acceptable. While some of these passages will never replace the KJV in my mind, I don’t want the whole Bible’s language to be so antiquated I can’t easily understand it.  So, for me, buying a new Bible is a complicated and precise process.

The last Bible I bought was from the LifeWay store in Trussville. I worked near there, and spent my lunch hours  for almost a week browsing every Bible that was not packaged up so I couldn’t open it. Now I live behind Barnes & Noble, so I decided to start there. Surprise! B & N has almost as many Bibles as LifeWay. 

I won’t bore you with the little details, but after 3.5 hours of holding and scanning and comparing almost every Bible at B & N, I picked the perfect new Bible. The print is large enough for me to read. The translation is actually the same as my current Bible, and Land o’ Goshen! It has lines in the margins for notes! It is slightly smaller than my current Bible, even with the New Testament intact. It does lack the ancient biblical maps in the back, but I don’t look at those much anyway. It is soft cover, and I’ve never had a soft cover Bible before, so this one will be unique in my Bible collection.

So up to the counter I went with it. “That will be $64.98.” Hmmm… Since it doesn’t have pure gold inlay, I hope it at least cooks supper. But my question is: who and where are the 5 billion people who can afford to buy a Bible? I’m guessing they’re not Hollywood or sports stars… so who??